sewn together

(via gypsycoeur)

Having one of those weeks where I feel overwhelmed with my flaws. Let’s just get right into it. It is really bothering me that I don’t seem to like all the great-looking, nice guys that ask me out. After reading that, I realize I sound like a prick. What I mean is, I’m the type of girl who likes the chase. I hate how I freak out the second a guy likes me. Like I literally cannot even stand their presence around me anymore, it makes me very anxious and I feel quite repulsed. It even makes me question my sexuality. I’ve never ever had so much as a crush on a girl, but I don’t even have the desire to hook up with any guys anymore. Maybe it’s okay, maybe I’m just trying to force myself to like these guys because all of my friends think I should. Am I just trying to adhere to this expectation in society that you should WANT a boyfriend, that you should settle for someone who’s got the checklist, even if you don’t feel those butterflies? But, to be honest, all that aside, I’m a serial run-away dater…I just freak the hell out when people want to get serious, even when I DO feel the connection. 

I’m also sick of my difficulties with organizing myself. I’m sick of being unable to recall names and dates on demand and I feel like all sorts of ideas and conflicts are floating around aimlessly in my head. I get anxious because I’m afraid ill miss out on an idea and I feel like I need to ground them somehow. I feel like my inability to focus and juggle multiple tasks will really hold me back in any job I try to do. I think back to my job as an admin assistant and sales associate and I cringe. I’m sick of being laughed at for being the most flustered person every time I go somewhere and I hate the constant feeling that I’m scratching at the edges of my mental capacity every time I try to plan a busy day or coordinate a number of people.  

I’ve been trying to tie down my identity by connecting myself to particular roles but I’ve realized its just always changing. I just want to be the type of person who has it together, who has a distinctive personality, not one that performs a chameleon act every time I’m with a new person.

In saying that, I’m sick of feeling unsure of myself. I’m absolutely disgusted with my tendency to be defensive, and even more revolted with the way I seek validation and reinforcement. Some days, I feel like every word I say is a manifestation of my insecurities. Always compensating, always trying to impress. I hate how my daily conversation is shaped by my ego, shaped by my desire to get others’ attention. It gets particularly sickening when I KNOW someone doesn’t see me as that impressive. Then I trip over myself and blab on about useless things. I hear the inflection in my own voice that portrays my lack of confidence and desperation for reassurance. 

I’m so frustrated about not being able to think on the spot. I don’t always want to be the decision maker but I sure as hell don’t want to be the passive bitch that gets walked all over. Sometimes it’s like I’m being sucked by quicksand towards acting according to my predispositions while my rational mind tries desperately to pull me out. Mini arguments lasting a split second flit through my mind when I’m confronted, one side telling me to speak my mind, the other telling me “no - hold back, what if you’re wrong, what if you misjudged the situation, what if you stutter over your words”. The latter often wins; it’s a hell of a feat to overcome a habit. Why is it so hard for me to look someone in the eyes and throw my shoulders back? 

I’m also frustrated with being unable to happily dance around in shallow conversation. How nice it would be to be able to turn “sales guy” mode on, make nonsensical jokes and call people by half-endearing, half-patronizing nicknames. Okay, so I don’t necessarily admire that skill, but I’m envious because it works, at least in the short term, to influence people and help you look cool, calm and collected. I seriously feel incapable of pulling a topic out of thin air, lest it be a comment on world issues, a deep observation about the nature of being, or a simple remark like “my, that scarf looks nice on you”. But I recognize that sometimes people just want to talk about the chicken teriyaki sub they had for lunch, or their favourite nail polish. And I don’t look down on that kind of chatter, I simply just don’t find it entertaining - I would probably be happier if I did. 

Maybe someday when I’m not so bogged down by insecurities and angsty self-centered complaints I’ll feel more naturally extroverted. Maybe someday I’ll laugh about the way i run in circles around the same thoughts. I can’t imagine why anyone would read to this far, but I hope at least someone can relate. Cheers! 

dearcoketalk:

Dear Coquette,

I’ve just recently come to the realization of my own mortality. In the time before I fall asleep, it absolutely terrifies me thinking not about how it will end, but that it ends, period. I know you’ve given this sort of advice before, but I can’t even get past this fear to…

It’s crazy how much one person can affect the culture of an organization. Bleh, when i say it like that, it sounds bland. I’ve heard the words “organization” and “culture” so many times i probably whisper them in my sleep. 

But i’m sure anyone will agree that when you’re part of a group, the second you take one person out or add a person in it shifts the atmosphere in the room and potentially the power distribution. 

It’s something to think about, because it makes you realize that you can have a significant impact on the direction of a project or on the attitude of a group of friends. Maybe you’re not the centre of attention (for the most part, i’m not) and maybe you’re not the decision maker, but one idea you have, whether it is implemented or not, may spark a succession of ideas in a brainstorm that leads to the epic solution. Even more importantly, the energy and attitude you bring into the room can have profound effects on how each individual interacts. Maybe you’re the one who brings the stress level down or maybe you create an atmosphere of camaraderie. 

People tend to conform to the group - it’s the reason why we have group think and confirmation bias. It’s not always a bad thing to conform; it gives the group direction and fosters certainty.

In a situation where the group is just being formed, when roles are being established, and when the general attitude of the group is being explored, each person plays an integral part in the process. On a personal level, this means we’re all responsible for the energy we bring in to the room and for the energy we instigate in others. (of course, sometimes you just can’t control others attitudes). On a large scale, it means that the key group of leaders in every organization play an enormous role in setting the tone for the entire system.

All pretty common sensical, but when you see it in effect, it’s still fascinating how we tend to gather towards a communal way of thinking and being. Something to bare in mind, certainly, when you think of the common attitudes and thought patters of an entire society. I suppose I didn’t even come close to a detailed analysis of the opening question, but I hope I still deliver my point: think critically about the ideals of groups, small and large, and ask yourself where they began and why they are there. Just because it is the norm does not mean that it is the best way. Finally, recognize your power to play a role in the development of culture. 

I see all this talk about the ego, and I don’t totally get it. I see how if you attach your identity to material things, people, or particular roles then you’ll end up continuously reaching, like a donkey reaching for a carrot on a string. BUT, what the hell do you identify yourself with otherwise? I mean, I really feel as though who I am is constructed by my accomplishments and the things around me. I constantly search for validation, for social recognition, etc. I see how that’s a dangerous thing, but I don’t know how to fix it.

And if we don’t measure people by accomplishments or things, then what do we measure by? Sure, out of the womb I might be just as valuable as the next guy. We both might be equally valuable very simply just because we are living beings. But if he’s a living being + money + charm + ability to influence, does that not make him more valuable than me? Doesn’t it make him more useful? I’m finding it very hard to step outside of myself and get a clear picture here, and my gut tells me that I’ve been looking at the world through the wrong lens.